Hipsters are systematically destroying everything I stand for.  Hipsters ruthlessly steal elements of all the fringe movements of the modern postwar era.  Punk rock, Alternative rock, Grunge, even Hip-hop are ingested and regurgitated with complete inauthenticity. They have defanged, scalped, tortured and unceasingly consumed all of the influences many fringe groups held on to and have built it into a complete repertoire of meaninglessness.   The irony being that in their attempts to distinguish themselves as important, different and complicated they have formed into a mass of conformist fixed bicycle riding, military hat wearing, iPod toting, chrome bag wearing, scarf entwined societal vomit that needs to be dealt with swiftly.

Not even cool in the 80

According to the Urban Dictionary a hipster:

Listens to bands that you have never heard of. Has hairstyle that can only be described as “complicated.” (Most likely achieved by a minimum of one week not washing it.) Probably tattooed. Maybe gay. Definitely cooler than you. Reads Black Book, Nylon, and the Styles section of the New York Times. Drinks Pabst Blue Ribbon. Often. Complains. Always denies being a hipster. Hates the word. Probably living off parents money – and spends a great deal of it to look like they don’t have any. Has friends and/or self cut hair. Dyes it frequently (black, white-blonde, etc. and until scalp bleeds). Has a closet full of clothing but usually wears same three things OVER AND OVER (most likely very tight black pants, scarf, and ironic tee-shirt). Chips off nail polish artfully after $50 manicure. Sleeps with everyone and talks about it at great volume in crowded coffee shops. Addicted to coffee, cigarettes (Parliaments, Kamel Reds, Lucky Strikes, etc.), and possibly cocaine. Claims to be in a band. Rehearsals consist of choosing outfits for next show and drinking PBR. Always on the list. Majors or majored in art, writing, or queer studies. Name-drops. May go by “Penny Lane,” “Eleanor Rigby,” etc. when drunk. On PBR.

Hipsters used to remain secluded in only more urbanized areas.  Recently, however, there has been a shift and the invasion of hipsters has begun.  You can usually smell a hipster a mile away as the smell of cigarettes and cheap booze (usually PBR or some crappy cheap whiskey) will give them away, some of them even enjoy shit wine like Carlo Rossi.  It is odd to me that these connoisseurs of cool with their trust funds love to drink bottom shelf booze but that’s not the point here.  Their clothing is decadent and reeks of 80′s era Goodwill donations, but don’t confuse their $250 skin tight black jeans as anything other than expensive.  Because hipsters will try damn hard to look like they didn’t try at all and spend endless amounts of money to look like they spent none whatsoever.  Their musical tastes are absolute and utter crap, they look not for inspiring lyrics or musical talent but hold in highest esteem their ability to name artists that no one else has heard of.  They pretend to enjoy the arts and literature but upon further inspection don’t know a damn thing about either.  Loafers are another goto hipster fashion item of choice.  Loafers apparently indicate that the hipster has successfully raped and mugged a helpless elderly man whilst simultaneously retrieving their loafers as their prize.  Oh they also like to adorn their heads with these retarded looking hats:

Hipster=Communist

Spot the douche bag in the photo above?  Trick question because anyone caught wearing a military hat that isn’t named Fidel Castro or in the…..you guessed it. MILITARY.  Is indeed a douche bag.

There also seems to be a disturbing trend among hipsters that confuse themselves into thinking they are musicians.  Once upon a time there were decent acoustic singer songwriters who made great music.  Then the hipster came along, picked up a guitar, wrote about how emotional and cool they were, strummed a rudimentary 3 chord pattern and sang.  Even worse many a hipster decided they could consume indie/grunge/punk/alternative rock, plug in an electric guitar, put on their military hat an obnoxiously colored witty shirt, and instantaneously become the star of the worlds greatest band.  Unfortunately for us their conformist hipster following will listen to their music because no one outside of the hipster movement has heard it, therefore making it indie, therefore making them cool and the band cooler.  God it’s a scary circle of self loving.

The ultimate hipster his definition of cool: A well placed mirror.

Hell.  Here’s a picture of Kanye West displaying what is personally the most frightening bit of hipsters attempts to kill what I love.  I love cycling, I love bikes, I love riding on two wheels and I love the community of cyclists that enjoy riding with me.  Hipsters have invaded cycling culture, lowered their overly tight jeans and shat upon it.  Track bikes, fixies, fixed wheel bikes, whatever you want to call it have taken over the streets.  Everywhere you look is another idiot riding around sans brakes attempting not to slam into everything around them.  I love track bikes, don’t get me wrong, but track bikes are made for the track.  Here is an example of a beautiful track racing bike:

A true

I’m very familure to the world of track racing and have piloted many a machine just like that around the velodrome.  Traveling 35mph just inches from the competition on a tightly banked track in front of hundreds of fans is exhilarating:

Try riding your

Riding through busy streets and crowded campuses without brakes and a lack of ability to stop your bike by skidding is stupid, dangerous and makes you look like an asshole.  Stop it.  You are not NYC couriers, you know nothing about the bike you are riding.

Six signs you may be a hipster:

1. You graduated from a liberal arts school whose football team hasn’t won a game since the Reagan administration.

2. You frequently use the term “post-modern” (or its commonly used variation “PoMo”) as an adjective, noun, and verb.

3. You carry a shoulder-strap messenger bag and have at one time or another worn a pair of horn-rimmed or Elvis Costello-style glasses.

4. You have one Republican friend who you always describe as being your “one Republican friend.”

5. Your hair looks best unwashed and you position your head on your pillow at night in a way that will really maximize your cowlicks.

6. You own records put out by Matador, DFA, Definitive Jux, Dischord, Warp, Thrill Jockey, Smells Like Records, and Drag City.

End rant//

Here is a quick hilarious mock music video my brother put together with a few of his friends.  Watch it.

~Kevin